Sassy Dots

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Dirty Little Secret

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. It's not something we like to admit to, but it is the truth.

Ready....

.....

Girls poop too.

That's right I said it. My BFF will be very upset now. She once lived with a guy for over 3 years and she had convinced him that she didn't poop. She would either wait for himto go to work, or she would 'take a shower'. For one the sound of the water muffled any possible pooping sounds, and the smell from her girly shampoos and body washes would mask any odor. She let me in on her little secret when I started seriously seeing my now husband. Clearly she was magic and not prone to any horrible afflictions of Man. The epitome of femininity!

I myself have been known to leave work because I was 'feeling sick' just so I could go home and avoid the workplace bathroom.

Men, on the other hand, have no problems with pooping. In fact some will announce the deed before they take off to the bathroom with a newspaper under their arm.

"Gotta go drop the kids off at the pool"

or

"Dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl"

Were common phrases from some of my male co-workers.

Ya, thanks, I really needed to know that. Like it wasn't obvious enough when you were away from your desk for 15 mins. What the heck do they do in there!?

When I worked at the Toronto Islands the guys would come up and use the bathroom in the office. I used to keep a bottle of cucumber mellon body spray in my cubby to freshen up after work. Sure enough the guys would use it as their air freshener. To this day I associate cucumber mellon with stinky poop smell.

For the last 3 years I have avoided using a public washroom. I almost broke my streak when K went in for his knee surgery a few weeks ago. We were due at the hospital by 6:45 which totally upset my morning routine. The coffee I had when I got to the hospital didn't help. Shortly after they took K in I walk/ran to the car, clinching the whole way. Luckily home was only a 5min drive!

But we can't always make it home, sometimes public bathrooms are the only option. So here are some tips I've picked up along the way for any of you 'none poopers' out there who would like to remain anonymous.

The Fly By
This is the act of scouting out the bathroom before going in for a poop. Go in and make sure that nobody else is in there, 'check your makeup'. If a stall is occupied come back again later.

A Safe Haven
This is a bathroom that is rarely used, and out of the way of the general population. An abandoned floor, the bathroom nobody knows about, even a handicapped washroom can work well as a safe haven.

The Bird's Nest
This technique involves laying a few sheets of toilet paper on top of the water. It has a a couple of advantages. It helps to mask any plopping, dribbling or splashing sounds. Secondly it protects you from the dreaded 'poo-dew', the results of your poop slashing your bottom with nasty toilet water.

Camo-Cough
If you've forgotten to use the bird's nest or you think some other sounds may escape, a timely cough will help to cover the unwanted sound.

Really me,
President of PA
Nik

9 comments:

  1. I am an abnormal girl! I will announce I'm off to poo. It grosses my husband out, which is most of the fun :-P

    That said, I have used the Bird's Nest (^o^)

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  2. LMAO!

    I personally don't care. If anyone looked at me funny I would say "my crohn's prevents me from holding it in for a more convenient time. I have to go when I have to go or I get sick"

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  3. I wish! No women on my dad's side poop, but IBS runs on my mom's side and is usually brought on by stress. It's quite the predicament I find myself in! lol

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  4. I am not embarassed by pooping, but I do hate doing it in public, more because I hate public restrooms in general! I hate doing it at work because the staff washrooms are by classrooms in high traffic areas, but, being pregnant, I am now so excited when I do have to poop that I don't care WHERE I go! lol Sorry, I know TMI ;)...though even before pregnancy, if I have to go, I have to go usually RIGHT AWAY.
    Funny thing is the place I hate going the MOST is Walmart because I always think the washroom smells like poo and I don't want to stay in there any longer than necessary OR have anyone think that I stunk up the entire washroom on my own lol

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  5. PD...I also "bird's nest" but also do it to prevent "stains" left over in low flush toilets lol

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  6. I have never heard of a 'bird's nest' and will have to try this method. I had a great giggle reading this entry, it's so very true. I myself have been known to make an announcement once in a while, usually because my hubby is so well known for letting me know, that I think it's right to return the favor. :)

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  7. This is fantastic! Love it! Thanks for the awesome giggle Nicole!

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  8. Love this post! You're awesome!

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  9. PS - I'm a closet pooper and suffer great anxiety if struck with the urge when out and about or not in a familiar place!

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