Dirty Little Secret

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. It's not something we like to admit to, but it is the truth.

Ready....

.....

Girls poop too.

That's right I said it. My BFF will be very upset now. She once lived with a guy for over 3 years and she had convinced him that she didn't poop. She would either wait for himto go to work, or she would 'take a shower'. For one the sound of the water muffled any possible pooping sounds, and the smell from her girly shampoos and body washes would mask any odor. She let me in on her little secret when I started seriously seeing my now husband. Clearly she was magic and not prone to any horrible afflictions of Man. The epitome of femininity!

I myself have been known to leave work because I was 'feeling sick' just so I could go home and avoid the workplace bathroom.

Men, on the other hand, have no problems with pooping. In fact some will announce the deed before they take off to the bathroom with a newspaper under their arm.

"Gotta go drop the kids off at the pool"

or

"Dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl"

Were common phrases from some of my male co-workers.

Ya, thanks, I really needed to know that. Like it wasn't obvious enough when you were away from your desk for 15 mins. What the heck do they do in there!?

When I worked at the Toronto Islands the guys would come up and use the bathroom in the office. I used to keep a bottle of cucumber mellon body spray in my cubby to freshen up after work. Sure enough the guys would use it as their air freshener. To this day I associate cucumber mellon with stinky poop smell.

For the last 3 years I have avoided using a public washroom. I almost broke my streak when K went in for his knee surgery a few weeks ago. We were due at the hospital by 6:45 which totally upset my morning routine. The coffee I had when I got to the hospital didn't help. Shortly after they took K in I walk/ran to the car, clinching the whole way. Luckily home was only a 5min drive!

But we can't always make it home, sometimes public bathrooms are the only option. So here are some tips I've picked up along the way for any of you 'none poopers' out there who would like to remain anonymous.

The Fly By
This is the act of scouting out the bathroom before going in for a poop. Go in and make sure that nobody else is in there, 'check your makeup'. If a stall is occupied come back again later.

A Safe Haven
This is a bathroom that is rarely used, and out of the way of the general population. An abandoned floor, the bathroom nobody knows about, even a handicapped washroom can work well as a safe haven.

The Bird's Nest
This technique involves laying a few sheets of toilet paper on top of the water. It has a a couple of advantages. It helps to mask any plopping, dribbling or splashing sounds. Secondly it protects you from the dreaded 'poo-dew', the results of your poop slashing your bottom with nasty toilet water.

Camo-Cough
If you've forgotten to use the bird's nest or you think some other sounds may escape, a timely cough will help to cover the unwanted sound.

Really me,
President of PA
Nik